Becoming Single

I had imagined being together forever - growing old together, sitting on the front porch watching our grandchildren play in the yard. As I look back over the past 26 years, I recall the early years when the attachment occurred. I can see now it was an unhealthy attachment but one that was purely out of love.

We grew apart. Actually, I grew and he distanced himself from me. He would often tell me that he was holding me back, that I could do better than him, and that he doesn’t deserve me. I was holding on and not willing to let go – afraid of the pain this would cause, fear of what the future would bring. Questions of doubt arouse – unsure if I could do this alone, as a single 44 year old single mom of a teenage boy.

No matter how long I hung on, my grip was too tight, and it hurt to hold on any longer. I had to build up my strength and courage to let go because I knew it was going to hurt. I tried the slow painful process, giving it time, holding onto hope that maybe, just maybe, it could get better. But it never would. I couldn’t change him and I knew that. What I didn’t know was how to change me and my focus when continuing this unhealthy relationship.

I did not like the person I was becoming or had become. I was not the person I had envisioned for myself as a kid. But back then, all I wanted to be was a mom. I didn’t think beyond that – with the exception of wanting someone to love and love me in return. I loved him the only way I knew how. I may not have been what he needed at the time, but I was determined to break the cycle of generational abuse. I made mistakes, I did things I’m not proud of, but I am not ashamed of who I am and who I am becoming.

Telling him to leave was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my life. (and I’ve faced many challenges in my life) Walking alone in life is not something I’m comfortable doing. It’s not something I’ve ever really done before. It’s been less than six months of ‘doing life alone’ as a single mother. I’ve worked three jobs to get ahead, overworking myself into sickness. Realizing what I was doing wasn’t working.

After downsizing to working two jobs, and not making ends meet, I had to become serious about writing. Finding motivation to get off my ass and start writing is not an easy process. I’ve lived my life as an open book (oftentimes, too open). And here I am taking this leap of faith once again in my life to make a change.

I am standing on the edge of the cliff, overlooking a vast thick, green forest. My safety harness is God. I’m either going to jump and fly or jump and end up in a valley deep within the forest onward toward a new journey in life with God as my safety harness. He’s pulled me from the depths of hell, carried me when I was weak, and has been my strength and guide my entire life.

Today is my first day of taking this writing thing seriously. I’m dedicated and ready for the next chapter in my life.

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