Observations

My theory is that we learn what we live not what is told to us. I knew what I didn’t want and I knew what I wanted. I knew what not to do by watching and living it. I was not taught or the behavior was not modeled for me. I was told, don’t do this or that but I was shown the wrong way to do things. I had to learn a better way. I had to try one thing then another before finding out what worked for me and why.

I learned how to have the wrong kind of relationship with a spouse and your children. I wanted something more. I witnessed my parents arguing, getting physical with each other, and swearing and yelling. My step-dad beat my sister and my mother. The only reason I was spared because I was not his blood; my mother would not let him touch me. I watched them party, drink alcohol and use drugs and them lie to me and each other about it. I knew I did not want this for my future children. I was bound and determined not to become like my parents.

However, I became very much like them; arguing, yelling, and swearing. I was becoming my mother. I noticed how much my husband and I were like my parents and I vowed to make a change. I am learning what works – communication, trust, and honesty. We have tested the boundaries of each one and even crossed the line a few times. But I am aware things need to change and now I know how. Therapy and retraining the brain how to react and think cognitively takes years. My husband and I are teaching our children how to react logically, not too emotionally charged.

My mom used to think and act in just ‘black and white’ thinking. It was the ‘all or nothing’ way of behaving. This is what I was taught as a child and this is what I started teaching our children. When I realized how we were behaving, just like our parents, we found ways to make changes. I believe the chances of our children having a relationship like ours is likely but the chances of them making changes in that relationship are even higher.