Personal Response on Sexual Identity

I have learned how to love myself, my sexuality, and my life with the help of others throughout early adolescence and into adulthood. Experimenting in my life with my sexuality, testing the boundaries of my values and beliefs, has led me to a new way of living life and truly accepting others for who they are. Many times throughout my life, I did what others expected of me, believed what my family, religion, and culture said I should. I did not always agree with others and found a way to learn who I really am and express myself to certain people. I live my life for me, according to my values and beliefs, and I do not let anyone else make my choices for me. I may stand out in a crowd if others knew about my sexuality but I conform to societal rules and expectations because I do not think society is ready to accept my beliefs. However, behind closed doors and with certain people, I can be true to myself and my sexuality.

Sexual Values and Morals

According to Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus (2005, p. 3), Human sexuality is defined “as the ways in which we experience and express ourselves as sexual beings.” The way people express themselves is largely based upon religious, social, and cultural beliefs and values. Everyone has a different set of moral ethics and values; so everyone will have different sexual beliefs. Some are bound by religious, social or cultural codes, beliefs, and values while others are guided purely by love. My sexuality is guided by pure love for other people. I do not question other people’s relationships. What is believed to be right for one couple may not be right for another.

“People’s sexual attitudes, experiences, and behaviors, are shaped to a large extent by their cultural traditions and beliefs” (Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus, 2005, p. 4). Sources that define and influence my sexual behavior are my friends and my culture. I associate myself closely with the American Indian heritage and they are very open minded individuals. I do not allow my religion or family to define or influence my sexuality. I was raised Roman Catholic and was married by an Assembly of God church. These religious affiliates are against homosexuality and open marriages. I hide my true self from many in my community because they would not agree with many of my sexual decisions.

Thinking Critical About Sexual Decisions

Many decisions are based on individual value systems: “legalism, situational ethics, hedonism, asceticism, utilitarianism, and rationalism” (Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus, 2005, p. 5). According to the legalistic approach, my sexual choices would have me stoned to death years ago; I do not let this intrude upon my sexuality and my choices. My thoughts about my sexual decision making, has not changed since I started this course. I often use critical thinking when making sexual decisions. I weigh my options and choose the best decision based on my morals and values. According to Rathus, Nevid, and Fichner-Rathus (2005), “Episcopal theologian Joseph Fletcher (1966, 1977) argued that ethical decision making should be guided by genuine love for others rather than by rigid moral rules.” Me decisions are not based on traditional values and moral rules but rather, by genuine love for others. Conforming my beliefs or values for my religion or anyone else is not an option to me; I stay true to myself. My sexual beliefs are a little of each: situational ethics, ethical relativism, and hedonism. I am a free spirit who loves unconditionally and maintains my integrity by being true to myself.

Historical Perspectives on Sexuality

When I am true to myself, I go against traditional morals and values a majority of society believes to be true. According to Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus (2005, p. 299-300), “Sexual activity with members of one’s own sex was not the only sexual act considered sinful by the early Christians.” Any nonproductive sexual act was considered sinful, even within marriage. Homosexuality began in the early preliterate years; however it has been considered a sin for many years – even in today’s society. Separation of the sexes over the years, men in combat and women at home, may have led to more homosexuality than one cares to admit. Homosexuality has been secretive for decades; probably for many reasons such as fear of hostility, criticism, and discrimination. Because history has maintained such a degraded image of homosexuality, I have kept my sexuality and desires secretive for many years, even to myself.

Sexual Orientation

During preadolescence, I was curious about same-sex relationships but never spoke about this to others for fear of being ostracized. During preadolescence I experimented with a few females. As an adolescent, during my experimentation phase, I was sexually active with exclusively males because that is what society expected. According to Hatfield and Rapson (2002, p. 219), “Infatuation is based on feelings of passion but not on deeper feelings of attachment and caring that typify a more lasting mutual love” (as cited by S. A. Rathus and J. S. Nevid, 2005). I found I enjoyed both sexes but was not going to act upon my desires or curiosities to anyone; I would keep this a secret. I was infatuated with many of my sexual partners; this made it easy for me to explore my sexuality without strong attachments. I could have relationships with males purely for sexual reasons. Maybe that was because of the outlook I had of myself at the time.

Sexual Identity

Adolescence was a time of disappointment, experimentation, and frustration. I was jealous of males because I believed ‘they had it so easy’ because they do not get their menstrual cycle. At times I wanted to be male because they were different than me. I love being female but many times I disliked myself. However, it took me many years and help from others to learn how to love myself. I was often teased by my peers because I walked, talked, and behaved, what they thought was ‘like a boy’. I hung out with boys, climbed trees in dresses, played hard, and had fun. I did not see myself like a boy but others did. I have never thought or felt like a boy stuck in a girl’s body; I knew I was fully female. I had to learn how to love myself and learn how to be a female because my mother taught me nothing of the sort. When I was sixteen, I convinced my mother to allow to me attend modeling school. They taught me how to apply make-up, what colors look best for my skin tone, and how to walk like a girl. I learned how to fix my hair, speak properly, and behave like a feminine female. I found I truly loved who I was and glad I was a female. Once I could love myself for who I was, I could finally love another.

Attraction in Relationships

Three components must exist for a relationship to truly flourish. When I met the love of my life, I was immediately attracted to his appearance. According to Rathus and Nevid (2005, p. 212), “Researchers have found that people who are involved in long-term relationships tend to be matched in physical attractiveness (Kalick, 1988).” We are physically attracted to each other and have many similar characteristics; dark hair, thin build, and similar statute. The other components of a successful relationship include reciprocity and similar attitudes and personality traits. We have similar backgrounds, behavior, and personalities. We were both raised in abusive homes and believe life does not have to be like how we were raised. We share similar goals in life and our personalities are similar. Although we are very similar in many aspects, we are still different enough to keep each other interested and intrigued. After twenty years together, we still find each other attractive, interesting, and desirable. Communication is also important in any relationship, especially in one as unique as ours.

Sexual Attraction

Because I questioned my sexual orientation for years, my husband was open to allow me to explore my sexuality. Open communication, compassion, and understanding are essential for a relationship such as ours. “Some bisexual people follow lifestyles that permit them to satisfy their dual inclinations” (Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus, 2005, p. 298). Because I am a bisexual female, I like to explore my sexuality with women. For many years I put my relationship with my husband first to form a strong bond. The strong bond we share, along with open communication allow us to explore our sexuality without feeling abandoned or ashamed and without judgment or criticism. It took us many years to find others who have similar sexual interests as our own. Many people disagree with the type of relationship we have; a majority of couples believe a monogamous marriage is the only ‘right’ way of maintaining a relationship.

Communication – Nothing is Taboo

Both monogamous and open relationships have some important things in common; love, intimacy, and communication. According to Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus (2005, p. 236), “Intimacy consists of feelings and emotional connectedness with another person and the desire to share inner most thoughts and feelings.” Sharing these inner most thoughts and feelings with each other keeps the passion and desire alive. Sometimes, jealousy emits its powerful emotions but with open communication, this jealousy can be dissipated rather quickly. Speaking about our sexuality together is important for us; allowing us to be honest, open, and accepting. Although some people assume they should know what the other person wants or likes but this is a misconception. We do not assume what the other person likes or dislikes. Communication has opened up so many new avenues in our relationship; nothing is taboo or too difficult for us to discuss.

Conformity in the Community

Our relationship may look drastic to some and may be considered wrong to others but it works for us. As stated by Nevid, Rathus, and Fichner-Rathus, (2005, p. 473), “The sexual revolution does not seem to have changed attitudes toward extramarital sex.” People like us are reluctant to speak about their relationships, sexual orientations, and sexual identity because of societal views. We do not speak of our sexual desires to others who would judge, condemn, or criticize us for how we choose to live. We must conform to societal rules, values, and beliefs when in the community. A majority of monogamous couples believe a relationship like ours is wrong, a disgrace to society, and that it causes harm to our children. Nothing could be further than the truth. We may have started our relationship based on infatuation with passion and intimacy, but have since included a long-term commitment and open communication. Our love styles have been evolving and changing from strictly intimacy and infatuation to a romantic, consummate love. Experiencing different love styles during our relationship has made us stronger with passion, intimacy, and deep commitment.

We put each other first, over anyone else and focus on our relationship and our children. Our children see us together and happy, openly communicating and solving problems with critical thinking. We keep our sexual encounters separate from our children but our children are aware of my sexuality. We share all of our sexual experiences together, not separately and we both can admire and love another woman’s beauty and sexuality. Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, especially one like ours. Our relationship does not have to make sense to anyone else but us. I have grown from an adolescent who based relationships on sexual terms only to a committed woman in a long-term relationship with my husband who can continue to experiment and develop my sexuality without judgement.